Years Go (Bye).

2010 is over, and today is day one of 2011.
2011. I have hopes for this year, but the name itself doesn't really slide off the tongue too well. "two thousand eleven. two thousand eleven. twenty eleven. twenty. eleven. 2011."

So, New Year Resolutions?
However you look at it, years are really just another way to gauge time. There isn't anything different between December 31 and January 1. When the clock strikes twelve and the ball drops, you aren't suddenly capable of doing things that you weren't able to do the entire year before. You won't just suddenly lose weight, suddenly quit smoking, have no urges to drink, and your language won't be spotlessly clean overnight. New Year, is not a miracle.
It's also not a re-do. All of the things that happened in 2010 happened, the good and the bad. The mistakes you made are there, a new year doesn't change that. The memories you made will last.

Personally, I feel like if your New Year Resolution is about habits like smoking or drinking or cussing or what-not, and you wait until January 1 to start your "new habit", you're basically stepping out on the wrong foot and setting yourself up for failure. Change comes from the heart. If your heart really does change, then you'll recognize the importance of picking up good and clean habits right here and now, instead of enjoying them almost guilt-free for the whole month of December because you claim that you're not going "to be doing that anymore once the new year comes around."

I think I'm more an advocate for New Year Recognitions. Looking back at the past year and really contemplating and putting to heart all of the lessons that you learned over the year. Seeing how you've grown, and maybe how you haven't. Recognizing where you fell short, AND where you excelled. What truly defined your year, and how did these things truly define YOU?
From knowing this, I think you can have a more clear and definitive idea of how to LIVE.

This is my Recognition: To live a life of love. To live my life with passion, and to be motivated through purpose. I want to go out and experience life. Simple things, intricate things, anything worth experiencing that will allow me to grow the way God wants me to. By the end of 2011, I want the stories I've gathered to be ones worth hearing.

Goodbye 2010, we've had our ups and downs, but I still wouldn't trade you for the world.
Dear 2011, I hope you're ready :)

19 To-Do's Before 20.

1. Road Trip. To another state. Awesome.
2. Learn how to start a basic fire with just two sticks.
3. Learn how to change a tire.
4. Give an honest compliment to someone every day.
5. Have a basic understanding of Italian.
6. Eat at Hard Rock Cafe and get a T-shirt.
7. Paint the lime green locker in my room. For realz, that thing clashes badly.
8. Go on a random weekend trip... with only a day's notice.
9. Go vegan for a week, just to see what it's like.
10. Tattoo.
11. Win a game of chess.
12. Know how to speak with an Irish accent.
13. Learn how to tie a tie.
14. Buy at least three pairs of great jeans. I always put off buying jeans.
15. Apply for a job overseas.
16. Try ethnic foods. (Yes Dad, let's go eat some real Indian food! :D )
17. Photo Shoot with Alex in urban Dallas areas
18. Read 10 Classic British Novels from the 19th Century.
19. Write letters to people who have greatly impacted my life.

and.... GO!!!

I Have Nothing to Write About?

It's been brought to my attention that I'm letting my blog "slip".
Well when you've gone through finals week and moving back home for a month, combined with lots of christmas shopping and saying "hey! i haven't seen you in awhile!" to everyone back home, it's quite easy for things like blog-writing to "slip".
there are a lot of things, actually, that are quite easy to let slip from your mind/day-to-day actions. I, for example, sometimes get in a really "let's clean EVERYTHING!!!" mood, in which i attack, walls, floors, ceilings, beds, closets, drawer contents, desk tops... etc. etc. Once I'm done, everything is spotless. like, s.p.o.t.l.e.s.s. (which is using periods to get my point across in this particular situation, rather ironic?). And I always finish by saying "and i'm going to KEEP it like this."
Do I?
Some times are better than others, but in the end, it's always easier to just lay the jacket "there" or place the book right "here" instead of hanging the jacket in the closet or putting the book on the shelf.
As this (hopefully wonderful) Christmas break comes before us, my challenge to everyone is that we not slip back into bad habits of the past and concentrate on making good habits and keeping them. In coming home, I can see it being very easy to feel comfortable again and almost feel as though the past few months of school have not happened. But don't, even for a second, forget all the valuable lessons that have already been learned this past semester.
College is more than just schooling, it's an education on one's own self. The identity that we're creating in college is an identity which will most likely define us more than the identities we thought we had in highschool and middle school.
Time is fleeting. The time that you've spent reading this entry, yeah, you're never going to have it back. But it's important to recognize that every decision you make affects the time which has yet to come. Don't back-track over the next month. Take the identity you're discovering in yourself, take the growth which God has allowed you to have, and discover yourself MORE; grow MORE. Coming home doesn't mean that life is on hold! It gives you a familiar place to expand a newer you, allowing you to actually learn more!

Random thought (well it's not that random for me, but in this context seems random): IS it truly better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all? Probably more on this later.

Broken From The Start - Jon Foreman

If you hide yourself deep inside

Deep inside

In time you've got nothing left to hide

There's nothing left inside

Tonight, honey

I'm gonna break your heart

Mine was broken from the start

Broken from the start

(Oh)

Choice is the only thing we're given

For one to live another dies

One road says, "Hello"

The other says, "Goodbye"

And the rose that you don't choose begin to die

(Oh, oh)

My Group. (if there really was one.)

There's much debate as to whether or not we have a "group". True, we eat lunch with each other, and hang out with each other, and randomly text each other when we're bored, but actually saying that we're a group just sounds bad and exclusive. So dear world, we're not a group. But if we were, here's who my group would consist of:

• I have that friend who makes me laugh, even with his super lame jokes. He's willing to listen to any rant I have, and then give me the advice that I already know in my heart is right. He's honest about his struggles with God, but is making every effort to further his relationship with Christ. He treats his girlfriend of two years like a queen, and he wears really awesome graphic t's. I love this friend.
• I have that friend from another state who sometimes says words funny. It's hard to ever find her in a bad mood, as she is a very solid person who is very easy going and relaxed. She has strong opinions which are always.... funny.... to hear, because she's not very loud at all, so when she becomes riled up, her wit and her verbal blows to whatever subject that is under fire, comes as a wonderful surprise. She really hates College Algebra, and the joy that comes over her when she talks about or is in the process of talking to her boyfriend back home is magnificent. I love this friend.
• I have that friend who I see everyday, but don't necessarily hang out with that much. She's incredible though, and is one of the most giving people I've ever met. She has a strong will and a drive to succeed that you don't see in many freshman. She loves her family, and you can always tell, even when she's complaining about them. I love this friend.
• I have that friend who things are shaky with. We used to be the closest of anyone, but then things happened and now we're not so close anymore. Things are getting better, but there is still a lot of muck between us. But she is such a strong girl, and she has her heart in the rightest of right places for the most part. She's dedicated, talented, and passionate. Despite the hard times, the trials, the emotional separation, and the new annoyances which definitely go both ways, I love this friend.
• I have that friend who never fails to put a smile on my face. She only likes me for my straightener (hahahaha) but hey, that straightener IS awesome. She has a unique personality to match her unique name, and although she'll be nervous, she's never afraid to stand out of the crowd. She's kind of boy-crazy, but not in an annoying way. She's more adorable and anything, really, and whenever anything dramatic happens, we always end up telling each other. I love this friend.
• I have that friend who's new in comparison to everyone else. He's probably smarter than basically anyone I've ever known, and yeah, he definitely has some geeky qualities. His obsession with Harry Potter is... uh... extreme? But at least he admits that Pokemon was a lame thing of the past. We're beasts when we're Trivia team partners, (but if we would listen to each other's first instincts, we would be even more beast.) He has such a caring and a sincere heart, for Christ and for others. He builds me up, and cares when I'm sad. We get along so well already, and he lets me indulge my secret inner nerd-side a bit. I love this friend.
• I have that friend who's bitter, loud, sarcastic, and awesome. Whenever one of us is in a bad mood, the other can always tell. We make each other talk. He's deeper than most people give him credit for, although that's not completely their faults because he acts pretty immature at times (and he knows it). But the serious talks that the two of us have had, have helped me to grow so much already. He's supportive and honest, and pretty open if you force him to be. He's already helped me through SO much, and he makes a really awesome "Sermonator" (Espresso + Chocolate). I love this friend.
• I have that friend who interests me to a level that I had never known was possible. He always manages to be the center of attention with his crazy antics, hilarious quips, and silly facial expressions, but he doesn't specifically go after that attention because he feels like he needs it. Quite often, he isn't even aware that someone is paying attention to what he's doing. He's just himself, and that's a wonderful thing. He definitely still acts like a little kid most of the time, but his heart is sold out to the Savior. Although he still has a lot of growing up (and yes, maturing) to do, I can already tell that God is going to use him in some ridiculously inspiring and beautiful ways. I have so much respect for this friend, and even though I've only known him for about 4 months, he's honestly become one of my very best friends here. He doesn't know that, though. (Well,  if he reads this, then he does now. Haaa.) No matter what my role in this friend's life is, I'm so blessed to at least know him and be a part of it. I love this friend.

The people who God has already placed around me in my first semester at college have laughed with me, cried with me, challenged me, and inspired me. I care so much for each person, and would pretty much do anything for them. I'm so excited to see how our relationships grow in the future, not only with each other but with God. We will all go through rough times, whether that be as a group or as individuals, but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm still great friends with all of them come graduation. I'm so thankful for these people. I love my friends.

A Breakdown of Honesty.

I just realized - when i'm in a place where I feel close to God, I have no doubt of the calling He's placed in my life. When I DON'T feel close to God, I question it and I doubt it. The calling that He has for me, though not too big, is actually something that I want. So when I'm far away from Him, I think that most of the reasons why I question it, is because I'm aware in my heart that I don't deserve any blessing He has for me, and don't in any way deserve His grace. All of the stress, all of the worry, all of my despair... comes from me. It comes from my not actually seeking God with all of my heart, it comes from my distrust, and it comes from my disobedience; it comes from my pride.

I'm afraid of making promises to God that I'm not going to end up keeping. I'm afraid of living my life the way He wants me to. [He's given me at least 3 opportunities this past week to share Him with those around me, and I've blatantly thrown those opportunities away.] I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of being afraid and never truly living, but I know all of this is my pride and arrogance coming through. I think that we as humans, or maybe more specifically girls, are walking paradoxes. We're so self-righteous in everything that we do, yet we have confidence issues and hit points where the last we accept is ourselves.
All of our worth comes solely from God's Love. Without that we would be worthless. Without that, we're scum. We definitely act like scum still, we think like scum, and we have the priorities (or lack thereof) of scum. But we're beloved scum.

I'm not in a good place right now. It hurts me to say that, but realistically I think that a ding to someone's [my] pride is well worth trying to live up to the calling of humbling yourself before God. My sins have been more of the emotional sort lately, and it's making me feel nasty on the inside, and making me feel like my heart is unrecognizable. I can see how it's even physically beginning to affect me. Recognizing this and admitting this is always good, but please... pray.