A Breakdown of Honesty.

I just realized - when i'm in a place where I feel close to God, I have no doubt of the calling He's placed in my life. When I DON'T feel close to God, I question it and I doubt it. The calling that He has for me, though not too big, is actually something that I want. So when I'm far away from Him, I think that most of the reasons why I question it, is because I'm aware in my heart that I don't deserve any blessing He has for me, and don't in any way deserve His grace. All of the stress, all of the worry, all of my despair... comes from me. It comes from my not actually seeking God with all of my heart, it comes from my distrust, and it comes from my disobedience; it comes from my pride.

I'm afraid of making promises to God that I'm not going to end up keeping. I'm afraid of living my life the way He wants me to. [He's given me at least 3 opportunities this past week to share Him with those around me, and I've blatantly thrown those opportunities away.] I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of being afraid and never truly living, but I know all of this is my pride and arrogance coming through. I think that we as humans, or maybe more specifically girls, are walking paradoxes. We're so self-righteous in everything that we do, yet we have confidence issues and hit points where the last we accept is ourselves.
All of our worth comes solely from God's Love. Without that we would be worthless. Without that, we're scum. We definitely act like scum still, we think like scum, and we have the priorities (or lack thereof) of scum. But we're beloved scum.

I'm not in a good place right now. It hurts me to say that, but realistically I think that a ding to someone's [my] pride is well worth trying to live up to the calling of humbling yourself before God. My sins have been more of the emotional sort lately, and it's making me feel nasty on the inside, and making me feel like my heart is unrecognizable. I can see how it's even physically beginning to affect me. Recognizing this and admitting this is always good, but please... pray.